*This post was also printed in Elephant Journal. Read it here.
One of the themes continuously brought to me in session is that of regret. Mistakes. A decision or surrounded by shame. A little shame-sandwich, if you will. Now, regret can be a good thing to a certain extent–when it evokes productive guilt and teaches us something we can carry forward. But, when it keeps us up at night, causes shame and anxiety, it’s no longer productive. Working through regret is an active process–it’s not something you transform in one sitting; however, these tips might allow you to see your past errors through a different lens:
1. It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time:
You know that saying, “Hindsight is 20/20?” Well, as much as I don’t love cliches, they do come from general observations about human behaviour (and thus say something about our universal experiences in life). This one exists because no one can fully and accurately know the outcome of their decisions until after the fact. We make our decisions based on the the information we have at the time. We don’t know what’s going to happen following. We don’t know if we’re going to hate our job, or wish we’d treated our ex better, or wish we hadn’t had that tuna sandwich. We just don’t know. Upon experiencing the outcome that we then experience, we learn.
2.You Might Not Be Aware of the Ripples:
Did you ever see the movie “The Butterfly Effect?” Well, I did, and I forget most of it, but I remember being aware of two things: 1) Recognizing Koerner Library in one of the scenes (shout out to UBC. This is not important), and 2) The storyline being a real mind@&ck. But the message was that, according to Chaos Theory, small actions can have a “Butterfly Effect” that influences and continues to influence things, good and bad. Check out this Taoist Fable for another example of what I mean (and really read this one. Sometimes my linked text has pretty inconsequential stuff, I’ll admit it, but this one is a quick read and makes you think). We can’t predict, control, or be aware of the consequences of our actions.
Something that I often do when initially regretting a decision, is say “Well, if I HAD (chosen the winning lotto numbers/invested in Lululemon/worn sunscreen/etc.), I would have subsequently…been hit by a bus.” Now, at first read, this might not make a ton of sense. But, basically what I’m trying to get at is that everything we do has a ripple effect–an influence that we can’t calculate or be fully aware of. Hence, the Butterfly flapping its wings and ultimately influencing a hurricane.
3. Life is a Research Project, and the Knowledge We Acquire is Through Experience and Awareness:
I’m always continually amazed by people’s expectations that they should “be perfect,” never err, and have fortune-telling abilities. “I should have ____” or “If only I had/n’t _____” are statements I constantly hear. Do these statements serve you?
Now, saying “I should have” does not necessarily have to be accompanied by regret. There are many times when I think, I should have been a better friend to that person, or I shouldn’t have sent that text message, or I should have kept my mouth shut. However, these “shoulds” teach me a better way of living my life moving forward–they don’t leave me imagining how my future would be so much better/different had I done whatever I’m “shoulding all over myself” regarding.
Practise your COAL mind (Curious, Open, Accepting, and Loving/Compassionate), consider life a research project, remind yourself that the reason you feel remorse/regret/guilt is because you have morals (you’re not a Psychopath! Score!), and bring the awareness forward to serve you in the future.
4. Other People Learn From Our Mistakes, Too:
How do we learn what’s a good idea and what’s a bad idea? When I was fifteen, I learned that slamming the better part of a 26 of Captain Morgan’s in an A&W bathroom with my dear friend, Steffi, (who now has her own awesome blog) is a bad idea (No, I was not “old enough to come aboard”). Now, ending up in the hospital (and having the annual celebration during which this occurred shut-down forever, having it be in the paper the next morning, having someone in the grade above me bring it for current events, and being absolutely mortified and ashamed–just to name a couple ramifications) were excellent lessons to try to be mindful not to get alcohol poisoning again. And I wasn’t the only one who learned from this. So did the rest of the teenage population of Kamloops. At least if they–or their parents–read the paper.
Any time we hear of scandals, crimes, or minor antisocial or unfavourable behaviour, whether it be through the news or through friends or family, we are learning from others’ mistakes. We contribute to others’ learning by making some of those mistakes, ourselves; so, if others know about your regrets, consider one source of meaning being that you’re helping others learn how to live their lives in a more helpful way.
5. It’s in the Past, So You Have the Choice to Either Regret or Mindfully Forgive Yourself:
This point risks coming across as being dismissive (“It’s in the past. Just forget it and move on!”). That’s not what I mean–well, not exactly. What I mean is that whatever happened has happened. You can’t turn back time, (I learned that from Cher), so you’re left with two choices. 1) Beat yourself up for the past. Ruminate over it. Try to make sense of it. Replay it over and over again. Think “If only,” and “I should have.” Yeah, you can do all that. But what’s it going to do for you? Prob not much, other than cause a lot of anxiety and shame and distress. Or, you can take another route. You can 2) Choose to accept that the past has happened, and you’re not proud of whatever is causing you regret. As I’ll explain further in an upcoming post, acceptance does not necessarily mean wanting or liking or condoning or encouraging. It means choosing to acknowledge, with compassion, that what’s occurred has occurred, and finding a way to archive it into your life story/identity in a way that doesn’t create anxiety or distress.
So how to do that? Well, the previous points can help (e.g. finding meaning in the experience and practising compassion towards yourself). A formula I use?“I’m currently feeling (emotion) when I think about (event/decision/behaviour). At the time, doing that made sense to me because ______, but now that I have more information, it could have been more helpful to ______. Of course, I couldn’t have predicted this at the time, so this will be helpful in the future for me and the people with whom I feel safe sharing it if I encounter a similar situation.”
One of my most favourite quotes was said by (here’s a shocker) Viktor Frankl: “Even the most negative aspects of human existence, such as guilt, suffering, and death, can be viewed positively, given the right attitude.”
Find meaning in your suffering, and you might no longer feel regret.
6. So Long as You’re Practising Mindfulness and Compassion, You Can Trust You Will Be Able to Accept Your Regrets.
A woman whom I hold in very high regard once reminded me, “Do not sleepwalk through life.” In other words, pay attention. There will be times you are on autopilot–it’s impossible to be mindfully aware during all waking hours. However, if you can make a point to be “awake”–to observe, to pay attention, to use your “Wise Mind”, you can trust that you will make “good” choices, that you will live your life fully and without regret, because how can you expect yourself to do any more than that? And, as I always like to emphasize, you are an imperfect human being like the rest of us. You (probably) do not have clairvoyant abilities.
To sum, how you view the past, how you view “mistakes” or “bad decisions,” really comes down to your perspective; and, the beautiful thing, is that you’re the one who has the power to change that. By following some of these tips, I hope you can find moments of forgiveness and peace with past mistakes, and trust that you’ll continue to go through life mindfully :).
.
Meg you always seem to write the exact post I need to read. It’s seriously almost a bit weird but, boy am I grateful! Thank you for yet again inspiring me with another down-to-earth post. Aaaand I’m back to reality and sensibility once again. Thank you.
xoxo
Brittany
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Aww thank you, Brit! We must be on the same wavelength ;). xx
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I have lately been choosing the regretful route of shame and guilt and self hatred. I quit my job a few months ago and have regretted it ever since. I did everything wrong while quitting. I only left a 1 week notice. I quit the week before a major project was underway. When I quit I lost a clearance level with the government. I cashed in 200+ hours of PTO which didnt amount to half as much as I expected. I quit with the expectation that I would have 2 week balance of PTO with the new job, which was extremely stupid and boneheaded of me. I knew within the first 10 minutes at the new job that I made a huge mistake. After starting the new job, it took me a day or two to build up the courage to call back my old boss and beg for my job back. That got me nowhere because I had left without giving 2 weeks. Keep in mind that I work in a very small work community and your reputation is everything. Now I have ruined my reputation. Im sure my old coworkers view me as a quitter with no character. I am making attempts to return to my old company but if I do my tarnished reputation will always haunt me. The past couple of months have been a living hell for me and my loved ones. I have put them through a lot of stress dealing with me and my new found depression. Im not really sure why I quit my old job to be honest and I wish I could go back in time and un-ruin my life.
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Hi Haywood,
I’m so sorry for your painful experience. When we are still in the midst of what we perceive as the repercussions of our actions, it can be very challenging to forgive yourself or accept your current reality. It’s natural to feel frustrated, powerless, angry, hopeless, and ashamed (and anything else you might be feeling) at this point.
The theme of my post is not necessarily to be happy with the decisions you’ve made–yet, anyhow, particularly when they’re so fresh. Yet, because what’s happened has happened, you have the choice to either beat yourself up over and over and feel even worse, or you can give yourself some compassion for the decision you made. At the time, you likely thought it was a good idea. You couldn’t have foreseen what the consequences would be. Looking back, it sounds like you’ve learned a lot about how you might do things differently in the future. There’s no rulebook for this stuff…we trudge through life and act, sometimes based on what we see or hear or read, and other times on what we feel or imagine might benefit us (or a combination of all those things). I really encourage you to practise compassion toward yourself, and remind yourself you’re a human being who will eventually grow and learn from this difficult experience (which I imagine you have already!). Seek support of friends, family, or a professional, and remind yourself that all of us out there have made impulsive decisions or done things we regret. ❤
Warmly,
Megan
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Have you made a mistake that you sorely regret having made?
Do you wonder if the dark cloud hanging over you will ever go away?
Do you think it’s possible to ever truly let go of the past?
Casting young adults who have made a life-changing mistake for a documentary series.
Documentary is focused on helping you let go of the past to make a better future.
Please contact us at: ThePastCaughtUp@gmail.com
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This sounds extremely similar to what I did! Total regret. It’s been very hard to live with. How are you doing?
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Hey,
If someone has a traumatic experience in their past such as bullying or abuse should the person forget and move on the best they can or should they think about it and cry and stuff until they are comfortable with it?
I just don’t know how to handle situations like this because I tend to repress the memories and emotions as much as I can but I hear that this is bad and causes all sorts of problems that stem from it. So I’m wondering how to best deal with what has happened in my past for my health?
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Hi Jodie! Thanks for your comment. Every person is different when it comes to coping with traumatic memories, but most people find it’s quite challenging to just “forget it and move on.” We used to believe it was necessary to “talk it out,” but newer research is showing that’s not always the healthiest option. As there are many factors to take into account (e.g. are the memories causing you significant distress, problems in social and romantic relationships, anxiety or depression, difficulties sleeping, etc?), it’s tough for me to say exactly what approach you should take. However, I would really encourage you to connect with a professional (psychologist or counsellor). In my opinion, moving on, grieving, or adjusting requires archiving such memories into our “life histories” in a way that causes minimal distress, and this is very challenging to do on our own. Crying can certainly be a healthy release (our tears release cortisol!), but on our own we tend to replay the same story over again and that can cause the same kind of pain. For those who avoid such memories, it can come at the cost of feeling calm or confident. As such, a really great place to start would be connecting with a therapist.
Warmly,
Megan
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wow thanks for such a great reply, very helpful 🙂 Love your blog btw
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I can relate to you so much. I had been bullied, screamed at, suffered verbal and emotional abuse as a child of alcoholic parents, sexually molested by a family member and first boyfriend and I had kept it all bottled up inside me. Then lived with a narcissist brother until 47 years of age. That is 49 years of struggles, humiliation and pain that I always had memories and flashes of. Due to the shame and pain I did not seek help until I went too far. I did not fair well in relationships and could not trust anybody. I wanted to run away from it and did something wrong for which I may go to jail (work fraud as you need monies to run away from it all). I am now in treatment and counselling and group therapy etc. Please get help to try and get over the past because it will come back to haunt you in the future. I felt so alone as I had no biological family as my mom and dad passed away by the time I was 29. I tried to keep I together with my one and only brother…who is a narcissist AND it got so bad that I was suicidal and not good at all wondering why my life was always so bad and why did everything happen to me.
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Have you made a mistake that you sorely regret having made?
Do you wonder if the dark cloud hanging over you will ever go away?
Do you think it’s possible to ever truly let go of the past?
Casting young adults who have made a life-changing mistake for a documentary series.
Documentary is focused on helping you let go of the past to make a better future.
Please contact us at: ThePastCaughtUp@gmail.com
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Thank you so much! I still have some regrets about the past mistakes that I made about one year ago. I lost an opportunity to be loved and love someone due to my mistake. I had this big fear in my head I couldn’t think wisely. I learned so much from the mistake but I sometimes feel like I lost a great opportunity to love and be loved. I explained why I acted like that to him but it didn’t work out. I hope there will be another opportunity for me when it comes to love!
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Wow, this post has helped me so much, it is just what I needed. Thank-you 🙂
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I’m so glad to hear it was helpful for you! Thanks for your comment! 🙂
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How do I forgive my girlfriend after finding her in bed with another man
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Hi Megan,
thank you about your post because i really needed this.
I just have some questions relating to my own personal experience if thats okay to share… My life looks very good looking in except that i was always looking for guys attention. It maybe because my dad wasnt too caring or loving (now he is old… And he cares a lot) when i was very young. And i was always convinced very easily. i had some messed up relationship with guys i met over internet. I did also have offline relationships with my classmates and there was no harm or morally bad things technically. But stuff like i did with the two guys i met over internet such as doing webcam with one guy and the moment i almost let the other guy have sex with me on the first real date disgust me after many months.
I was quite cool about them at the beginning. Yes i learned many things and i thought i was really going to love them… My logics were vague because i thought i could do anything for them.
Then my problem arose now when i met a really really good guy. He seems to be a very very good and gentle guy. He seems very mature and never insists anything i might feel uncomfortable with. And suddenly my past shames come back on my mind and start comparing myseld to him. I feel “polluted” compared to him. he might have had his own past problems but im very sure they are not relationship relevent. Id trust his word if he said “i had no girlfriend actually in the past.” hes a very well educated shy man from a good loving family…
Now i know more about how to respect myself and body. Im more mature. He thinks im a good girl and we even have similar work background. We seem to fit for each other. Id like to work it out. But i feel so guilty in front of him. I feel so…. Deceiving. I feel like i need to tell him that actually im a quite broken person with lots of mistakes. But im very afraid he will be just shocked at my confession and never forgiving.
I did tell a few of my friends about the second issue where i almost let the guy have sex but i refused at the very end and left his room and they tried to cheer me that i took a right decision at last. But i dont really know how to explain to my new boyfriend-to-be about my cyber sex experience…. Nobody knows it except for the first time im revealing here… I wish i didnt do this now. I feel so shameful and dirty compared to the new guy but i also dont want to miss him. I dont like this feeling that i dont deserve him 😦
would you be kind enough for some warm advice?
Thank you very much ^_^
Julia
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Thank you for writing this, I needed to hear the message.
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You’re so welcome, Ali <3. Thank you for reading!
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Reblogged this on 我的網誌.
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My regrets are worst because of what I didn’t do or didn’t do enough my loved ones suffer the consequence, not me. I suffer seeing their suffer and it’s worse but I accept it because I deserve it and I am willing paying for it as a way of redemption. However, there are times it is so excruciatingly painful…
From childhood family situation pushed me out of the protective nest of family at a very early age; my independence started forming then and I always feel the need of being the one “looking after things” . I seemed taking satisfaction and pride out of “being useful”, but at times it’s exhausting. All along I took upon myself to initiate this and that for the extended family and continued in that role into my own family- I had been working full-time – sometimes more than full-time, all my life right after university and my work was always challenging but rewarding. I had felt overwhelmed between work, family, extended family but I would bounce back more energetic than ever so I continued on. Ten years into our marriage and 2 yrs after our daughter was born, my husband started getting sick and stopped work. His illnesses became serious and chronic by the time our daughter was 10. I continued to work even more challenging work, looking after the family, and in later years countless trips in hospital and the desperate worries. To do it all, putting on a face of capability I struggled hard at times, bounced back every time. So I looked at it as unfortunate but normal so I kept trying. In all that I think our daughter had been affected the most, growing up having an always occupied, body and mind, short of time mother. Patience had no room in those days, heading to work after staying the night at the hospital, taking care of work for 8 hours, going home making quick supper before heading back to the hospital for an evening time with my husband… Between those episodes, however, life was better – we still went on vacations, outings, our daughter had good schooling and extra curricular activities, some normalcy was maintained -while worries kept eating myself inside. So except those unavoidable frustrations I thought I managed and to all fairness I think I did – I rarely asked for help from anyone. I became totally task-oriented – always had, and needed to get, things, done! I was a strong woman, I thought and I was and still is.
Toward the end of my husband’s illnesses I had very little time for our daughter; I . only had time and mind to fix immediate things and they were always there. Her adolescent years were in fact lonely although having had many friends – I always tried to create opportunities for her to be with friends. However what she didn’t have was a mother who had time, patience, those intimate moments between mother and daughter and painfully as I realized a while ago we have never had a close relationship…My husband died 7 years ago, our relationship got a little closer at times but still far from. The worst thing was we even didn’t grieve “together” – we couldn’t even talk about things…
She is now 22 years old, pretty, principled, honor student and about to graduate from university but on the other hand an awfully sensitive, self-conscious person. who always puts up a tough and carefree front and so hasn’t been able to maintain close friends – she has great difficulty speaking her mind, never expresses what she thinks, good or bad and so couldn’t communicate with boyfriends – she is unable to communicate how she really feels…I can only guess what she thinks how she feels…Of course she never talks to me – I have learned a great deal and have tried to be patient, understand and supportive but I still can not crack the hard shell to reach her. I think she appreciates my love and support but she was hurt badly and still be. Every time I tried to start a conversation she would immediately brush it away and if I mentioned anything concerning her even positive things she still would counter me into a nonsense conversation… She got annoyed with me in no time I had to stop talking to her to avoid that. I could rarely consulted or discussed with her things around the house…
I feel desperate many times I wanted to get away just myself living my life out quietly else where which I am willing and able to – it sounds so sad but it’s a redemption for me. However, I am afraid that she is deep down still needs me and my support. However, what support I could give her when I can only annoy her? How can I give her all my love and support without annoying her further? From a distance.
Thank you for giving a place to unload my heavy feelings. I hope not many people would have such heartache…
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I am feeling terrible about he decision I made the other day that can’t be undone. I was driving down the street and the car in front of me hit a dog I slammed on my brakes and missed him I think the guy behind me hit me we were all okay. except or the dog, he was crying, the car that hit him kept going and the guy behind me and I were trying to help the dog and suddenly a man was standing there crying, I think he was homeless and in retrospect it was probably his dog. The other guy and I decided to get the dog help after the man walked away crying. He never answered when I asked if it was his dog but I believe it was. It was a Saturday night and few vet offices were open except for this very mercenary vets office and they were awful had experience before with them and I asked them to please give him a shot pain and they had me sign these papers taking responsibility took forever and all I could think was this dog was in pain. paid 100 for a shot. The dog could stand and walk but he was bleeding from a possible rupture bladder. the Vets office offered to look him over further for 2200. dollars. The girl in the office told us if we take him to the animal control they will bring him back and if he isn’t too bad they will save him. So we took him there and I truthfully I didn’t trust them completely just hoped it was true I kept imagining taking this dog home and having him suffer til morning to go to a better vet. I had had an experience with a pet that I tried to save that had sffered to the end so I think decision making was flawed from that previous experience. We got to animal control they told us they were going to take it back to that very vet and probably have it put down. they said she had lied I let them I have been regretting this ever since. I can’t stop thinking he would have lived with more effort.
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These are some awesome points! I’m working on dealing with the fact that I can’t go back and change what happened so I may as well find a way to deal with it.
Feel free to check out my video on letting go of regrets for more tips:
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How can I ever let my past be past after my grave mistake in my catrier , I involve myself in a silly mistakes that got me sacked from former working place it takes me months to forgive myself then God provide me with another better job and I promise never to make such mistake again but tonight one of my co worker in current working place remind me of my past and it broken my heart into pieces, how can I forger this kind of discrimination even though am sure that I will never in my life repeat such mistake again. thanks
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A while ago I made the mistake of sending some innapropriate photos to a few guys I really trusted, but of course I was ignorant to the fact that they were just as young and stupid as me, and they didn’t stay with just them… I know that’s probably the worst thing to ever do, and I know that now, but at the time I had no idea what was going to be a consequence of this action, I thought that they’d just end up liking me, but no, even now I’m still haunted by the “what if” part of that. “What if they get shared?” “What is everyone going to think of me?” “Is this one childish mistake going to ruin my life?” My anxiety makes it hard for me to forgive myself for past mistakes because I have the constant fear that something is going to happen, even if it’s of a low possibility. I know this is now a part of this generations lives, as many have done it but I can’t seem to let it go. I’ve learnt my lesson, but it just won’t stop haunting me.
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OMG! I am going through exactly the same as you. And I’m not that young anymore, but these new technologies are addictive and the man I shared the pictures with was working out of town at the time. But after I sent the photos I realized he was toying with me and ended the relationship via text. I have not heard from him again. Megan’s post was really spot on for me and even made me cry because, like you, I have been losing sleep over who he may have shown these pictures to, what will I do if I see him again when he comes back into town, will he show them to someone who knows me? Luckily, we’re not in the same circles, but this is a small town and I’ve just been overkilling myself with regret, shame and anxiety. After reading Megan’s post I’ve decided this: What’s done is done. And if the time comes that I ever run into him and someone I know has seen the photos (which is highly unlikely), I will just say that they were sent in a moment of love and intimacy between two people and, although it was a mistake to send them, the real shame is on the person who is mean and low enough to show them to others. I will probably cry a bit more, as this is very recent, but I believe this is the best way to look at the situation. We are only guilty of being too trusting and getting carried away at a moment of love with the wrong people. And we need to forgive ourselves and move on, hard as that may be. I’m glad, and probably you are too, to know I’m not the only one. I’ve been beating myself up so badly about this. Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope you’re doing well.
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i have been suffering from ocd and i get pictures of me that i have done something wrong to a person. the ‘what if’ factor is always there.What if i had beaten a person in school or groped a classmate? please help how to get over it. i am only 19 yrs old.
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Hi,Megan,
I am a lady (34)who is married and mother of a 4 years old son.I am married since 5 and half years.Me and my husband are both from small towns of India.Recently we are in London.Our marriage is arranged married.Different types of struggles started just after we got married.Initially my husband didn’t like my figure and so I was not happy in my sex life.My husband was very disturbed professionally at that time as there was admission issues in his college and he was persuing doctoral programme.After that he had to move to different cities for his new job.Within that time we became the parents also. Till then I was continuing my same teaching job and we were not staying together for our jobs and to raise the new born with the support of family members. But both of we were missing each other very much.So,I started searching jobs in my husbands place and left my school job.Finally we started living together inspite of different problems in our new jobs and newplace and with our two years old son.I was staying with my in-laws.But I couldn’t manage my work and family life balance.My son was suffering from severe dry skin problems and I couldn’t give him enough time.Being a mother I was feeling guilty.There was problem with my in-laws also.My parents couldn’t helped me for their health issues.So,everyday I was struggling with various problems and my husband was too busy with his new job and studies.I was not able to spend enough time with him and that was another problem.At last I quit my job in feb 2016.Since then I am a housewife.
Now we are staying in London due to my husbands jobtransfer. My child is now 4 years old and going to school. Due to childcare issues I cannot work now.I have become very lonely here and I keep thinking of my past mistakes and regret about those.I keep remembering the bad feelings I experienced from my husband.Though he takes care of me, spends enough time with me I don’t feel happy and satisfied.New country,loneliness,staying at home making me more sick and compelling me to recall past incidents and mistakes.I am trying to keep myself busy but not getting motivated enough and due to dry eye syndrome I am not able to learn computer based programs .Please,would you let me know how to forget my bad experiences and should I forgive my husband and live happily with him or leave him and start my life once again.
with regards,
SB
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I had taken many antibiotics for acne and ruined my body and this life. Its been 5 years of constant pain because of sude effects of antibiotics. I cry every day that i trusted derms and destroy my body. Regret is almost as painful as physical pain. Its so painfil i want to die i can’t concentrate so i lost every job and oppurtinity. Soon there wilk be my birthday and my only wish is to die
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Hey cheer up. there is nothing irreversible. you could always get medical help. go to some real doctors and psychiatrists maybe. As long as you are not dead or suffering from a terrible disease, there is always away. stay close to family and friends . Try 7 cups if u need someone to listen. good luck.
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Hello, my name is Elizabeth, i was going through an article and found out about a man called Dr Bomoh. i have been suffering from breakup issues with different guys. i had to contact the spell caster. Steve was on the verge of leaving me for another woman. but i stayed positive and believe i could have him back and make him stay. lo and behold Dr Bomoh helped me. Steve and i are getting married soon. Dr Bomoh is such a nice man, he also helped me stop my cardiac arrest problem. Thanks to him and thanks to God for the gift given to him. If you have any problem whatsoever, contact him on this email: g o d b o m o h s p i r i t @ g m a i l . c o m
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Thank you! This was extremely helpful to me and such a great read! I can honestly say, going into this article, I had a very heavy heart and while reading it I began putting to use each tip and I feel calmness. I know it’s now up to me to continue to forgive myself and remain in my calm state, so your tips will serve me for the long haul!!! ♥️💫
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I have struggled for some time trying let go of the regret I have surrounding an ill advised (spectacularlly ill advised) relationship. The memories of it, both good and bad, seemed to haunt me. I had not considered what it may have prevented me from until today.
I was embroiled in an equally awful relationship. It fluctuated between on and off like a light switch. He was manipulative and cheated on me regularly. At one of the lowest moments, I ran head long into another relationship (the above mentioned ill advised one).
Yes, I attempted to juggle not one but two highly toxic relationships at the same time. I was even in therapy at the time, but specifically failed to mention the second man to my therapist. Foolish. It prevented her from truly helping me when I needed it most.
As I read this blog today I realized, the second, albeit ridiculous, did prevent me from committing myself to the first. I would have likely married the first guy had it not been for the second.
Wow.
I needed that perspective.
I had sincerely “tried” every other imaginable way to let go of the guilt I had about making such a defeating choice. I felt so horrible for compromising my own morals and standards. I had learned to set aside those thoughts as I worked forward to make my life what I wanted it to be again. It was slow going and often frustrating. I couldn’t seem to fully “get over” the self hatred.
I see it so differently now.
Thank you!
I will pay it forward.
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I’ve been dealing with a situation involving regret. I let the overthinking and anxiety of it all totally consume me.
I came across this article and it seriously helped me wrap my head around some things. I shed a few tears and now feel closer to closure.
Thank you so much. There is a lot of brilliance to your words & it was exactly what I needed to read.
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